A Memoir about Love: From My Father to My Child

This is a memoir about my father’s love and how he mended my heart in a dream so I could find my way to a new relationship with Credence as they grow and evolve into the person they want to be.

My gender non-binary child

I have a 23-year-old child named Credence. Credence’s gender identity is non-binary; their pronouns are they/their/them. Here is a very useful website for understanding gender fluidity. It’s written by a transgender person using their own voice to explain what non-binary means.

Credence moved out of home to another city in another state to attend university when they were 18.

When Credence moved out, their father, Steve, and I had already parted ways for five years (please see my memoir, It All Started With “I Want A Separation”.) During those five years, Credence and I grew closer, supporting each other through turbulent times.

We became best friends, sharing similar sense of humor, sensibilities, values and interests. Binge-watching TV shows, bitching about things we thought unjust and travelling to our favorite places around the world were our favorite activities together.

When Credence moved out, I was left with a huge void. Much to my surprise, that void was filled with a different version of Credence, who was still my best buddy but needed me more than ever to negotiate life’s many challenges as an independent adult and to assert their gender identity in this somewhat judgmental world.

For many years, Credence went through very difficult times trying to make sense of their gender identity and relationship choices. To me Credence is a magnificent person and I love them unconditionally.

Through supporting Credence, I educated myself on the subjects of gender identity and sexuality. My learning was very enriching for my own growth as a human being and as a mother.

While Credence was still learning how to take care of themself and navigate their life as a transgender person, they completed their bachelor’s degree with flying colors and was awarded a scholarship to study a Juris Doctor/Master of Law degree at a well-known university. Every year they received a letter of commendation from the Law Faculty for their academic achievements. I couldn’t be prouder.

While Credence was conquering their adulthood and excelling academically in another city, I went through a critical phase of my battle with anxiety and depression and uncovered the roots of my mental struggles—childhood complex trauma (also see Wisdom of Trauma.) As much as I wanted Credence to understand and grow with me, I was wary of enmeshment and kept most of my discovery to myself.

But Credence and I remained close. We talked frequently, visited each other three times a year and travelled overseas together.

Then COVID hit. A series of lockdowns prevented us from visiting each other for two years.

A pandemic that carved our separate paths

The city that Credence lived in was severely affected by COVID and was on constant lockdowns in 2020 and 2021. During those two years, we were unable to visit each other. The separation meant that we each had the freedom to grow from isolation.

For me, COVID years were the years when I went through the most painful yet most transformative phases of my healing from childhood complex trauma, which led me to the last pieces of the puzzle that solved the mystery around my birth and early childhood (please see my story, Born to be Sold as a Child Bride.)

I missed Credence very much in those two years of lockdowns and restrictions, but my mind, body and spirit were fully engaged in pulling myself out of the mire of anxiety, depression and a host of physical illnesses manifested by childhood complex trauma. The process was intense and immersive. Although my transformations were monumental, I didn’t share much with Credence because I thought I ought to tell them in person.

When Credence asked how I was on the phone or Skype, I just said I was good and couldn’t go too much into what I was experiencing.

At the end of 2021, our communications became briefer and briefer. Eventually, we just texted each other to make sure we were doing okay.

Stepping through a time portal

In the middle of 2022, COVID travel restrictions in Australia were finally lifted. Credence and I were excited to see each other. I booked a flight to visit them.

I arrived at Credence’s apartment block in the evening. The winter chill seeped through my long coat. The streetlights were hazed by the dense foliage of the camellia trees lining both sides of the narrow driveway leading to the ground floor entrance.

I walked up the stairs and stood in front of the door of Credence’s apartment. Standing at the door, I felt as though I was in a sci-fi movie about to step through a time portal, finding out the world Credence had created in the last two years.

The door opened.

In front of me was a neat and well-dressed young person, face beaming with a smile. Where has that messy and couldn’t-care-less-how-I-look maverick gone? I was surprised.

Lavender scent wafted through the door and lingered at my nose. I glanced in. Beyond the door was a clean and tidy apartment.

The time portal was indeed magical. I barged in and pulled out my Dettol spray and said urgently, “Spray me.”

Credence grabbed the spray can and sprayed my coat and beanie as I did a 360-degree rotation. We giggled like a couple of teenagers.

“My shoes too!”

“Come on, Mom. We’re both vaccinated.” Credence slammed the Dettol bottle down and opened their arms, laughing.

I dove my five-foot-nine frame into Credence’s embrace and rested my head on their chest. They had grown even taller since I last saw them.

I had dreamed of this moment for so long. It was just like old times again. I couldn’t wait to spend the next 10 days with Credence and share all the things I’ve been through with them.

Am I not important enough?

After the excitement, we ate, showered and got ready for bed. Credence and I sat in the bed in our pajamas, planning our activities for my stay.

“Do you still want to go to the mountains?” I asked as we had discussed over the phone about going away together. “We can hire a car and stay up there for two nights.”

The excitement I expected to see on Credence’s face was missing.

Credence hesitated for a moment and said, “I’m fine with staying in the city.”

“Ok then. We can go to the Chase this weekend, do some shopping,” I said excitedly.

“I can’t. I have to work.”

“We’ll go on Monday or Tuesday, then?”

“I-I have to work too.” Credence proceeded to tell me that they could only take four days off during my short 10-day stay.

“What?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Tears involuntarily welled in my eyes. I had looked forward to our holiday together so much.

“I’m sorry.” Credence’s eyes were also watering up. There was an apologetic look on their face. Then, the apologetic look turned into a don’t-guilt-me-out kind of look.

“I’ve got to work,” Credence said petulantly. “I have responsibilities, you know? Can’t just drop work.”

I snapped back, “You knew I was coming. We talked about this weeks ago. I thought you were going to ask your boss to give you time off. Didn’t you tell her this is the first time we’ve seen each other in two years? She can’t be that unreasonable.”

“She’s not unreasonable!” Credence’s face dimmed defensively. “She’s been very stressed and needs a holiday. I have to manage the store until she comes back.”

Credence tends to shoulder other people’s responsibilities. Their defensiveness told me that they had not asked their boss for time off. I could just imagine Credence acquiescing to their boss’s request to manage the store without even mentioning that I was coming to visit.

Am I not important enough for you to negotiate with your boss for a few more days off? I thought bitterly to myself. But I kept my mouth shut. Arguing with Credence would only make them feel worse than they already did. So, I decided to let it go and just focus on the four days that we had together.  

Clash over TV

Next day, it was Credence’s birthday. I showered them with presents and spoiled them with my cooking. After a scrumptious dinner, I said to Credence excitedly, “Dee-dee, want to watch a movie together?”

Credence’s eyes lit up. “Yeah. Sure. I like watching TV with you.”

I trawled through Netflix, Prime and Stan, making one suggestion after another. All I got from Credence was, “No. I don’t like that. No, I don’t want to watch that. No, that’s not my thing…”

“Ok. You choose then,” I hurled the remote control onto the coffee table.

Credence started to show me the reality TV shows they thought I’d enjoy.

I said no to the first few suggestions, then I sank into a mood where I just wanted to say no to prove my suggestions were better (Childish. I know.)

We finally had an agreement, and I was excited to binge watch the show with Credence, just like the old days.

Throughout the entire show, Credence was on their phone, answering text messages and watching funny videos on TikTok. They seemed to prefer doing their own things than spending the evening with me. I tried very hard to be patient, explaining the plots to Credence as their attention was split between the TV and their phone.

But, that night, I went to bed with annoyance brewing inside me.

A new person, a new reality

Next day, we went shopping. I bought Credence new beddings, a microwave, a water-filter and a vacuum cleaner—all the things that needed replacing long time ago. We had a fun time arranging the new appliances in the small apartment and jazzing up the bedroom with the new bedsheets and blankets in bright mustard and baby blue.

Satisfied with the fresh look of the apartment, we lit an incense and lay on the soft blue blanket draping over the bottom half of the new mustard-colored duvet cover, talking about Credence’s job, relationships and uni life.

Listening to Credence, I started to understand how significantly their life had expanded over the last two years during lockdowns. They’d done extremely well in the law degree. Studying law had given Credence the worldly confidence they didn’t have before. The new neat and well-dressed Credence started to make sense.

I had stopped practicing tax law for three years now and had almost forgotten what it was like to be a professional. Looking at Credence, I felt the zeal and pride I once had.

In the next few days, Credence went back to work. I did the motherly things like cooking and cleaning to pass time.  After cooking and cleaning, I’d read a bit and go for a walk.

I realized my daily walks were becoming shorter and shorter with each passing day. The odors of the garbage bins in the streets, zooming cars, bleak buildings, and shops filled with fripperies. Everything about the city began to repulse me.

Strange thing was I lived in Sydney and Melbourne for over 30 years before I moved to a coastal town. I remember loving the shops and restaurants in the bustling streets. “What’s different now?” I asked myself.

Then it dawned on me that I had lived in a small coastal town for more than three years. In the short three-year period, I had gotten the city life well and truly out of my system.

I missed home terribly—the expansive horizons where the blue sky melds with the blue ocean, where the sun turns into a molten fireball at the end of the day staining the heavens in magnificent colors, where clouds dance and menace with unpredictable moods.

Nature had become my sanctuary.

I felt out of sort in the city. It wouldn’t have been so bad had I been with Credence, doing things that we loved together. But being left alone after flying thousands of miles from home, risking catching COVID, leaving my sanctuary behind …

What am I doing here? I couldn’t help but feel a sense of disappointment, escalating to almost resentment. A dark cloud loomed over my head. I couldn’t wait to go home.

During the evenings, when Credence was home, we talked mainly about Credence’s work. Credence was having a hard time at work. I didn’t feel it was the right time to talk about me. So, I held back, waiting for a better moment to tell Credence how I felt and share what I wanted to share. Perhaps wait until they’re not working. I was counting down the days, looking forward to our last two days together.

Drawing the boundaries

Finally, Credence finished their last day of work. They came home all exhausted and grumpy. After dinner, they said they were tired and wanted their private time. So, we skipped our TV time and made up the couch for Credence to sleep in.

I went to my bedroom to read and hoped that Credence would come and crash with me like the first night.

Through the thin wall, I heard Credence talking to their friend on the phone for hours, way past midnight. I drifted off to sleep and woke up without Credence beside me.

Knowing Credence liked sleeping in, I pottered around until 11 AM and started preparing brunch and planning in my head for activities we could do together to make the next two days special before I fly home.

It was almost noon. I peeped through the living room door left ajar. Credence was still fast asleep on the couch. I went back to the kitchen and sat by the breakfast table.

The spread of brunch on the small breakfast table started to look a little lonesome. And I could wait no more. Marching into the living room, I shook Credence’s shoulder.

“Dee-dee… Dee-dee, it’s almost 12. Time to get up.”

Credence rolled over and buried their face in the gap between the seat cushion and the back of the couch. “I’m tired,” they moaned.

“Of course you are. You were talking on the phone way past midnight. I thought we were going to spend the last two days together.”

“Just gimme a minute.” Credence didn’t look like they were getting up any time soon.

I knew I’d be left alone again. A sense of regret nibbled at my ears. It was a mistake to come here. I didn’t like what I’d experienced since I got here. Not one bit!

“I’m changing my flight. I’m going home today.” I said calmly and resentfully as I started gathering my stuff in the living room.

“What?” Credence shot up; the blanket slid off their shoulders and onto the floor.

“I can see I’m not wanted here. So, I’m going home today.” I wasn’t bluffing. What I said was exactly how I felt.

“Mom. Don’t do this. I’m up now.” Credence knew I don’t do manipulation, so they took my words seriously.

“I really want to go home.” I walked to the bedroom and started packing my bags. My mind was on the beautiful expansive countryside by the sea.

Credence followed me into the bedroom. “Mom, if you really want to go home, I won’t stop you. But can you stop packing for a minute and talk to me?”

I put the last item in my bag and sat down on a stool. “I just want to go home.”

“You miss home?” Credence gazed at me, eyes deep with concern.

My tears began to roll down. “I miss the ocean, the rolling hills and the kangaroos… The city. The city is stifling. I can’t see Earth’s horizon no matter where I look.”

Credence scooped me into their embrace. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you felt this way.” Their voice breaking.

At that moment, I knew Credence cared. They were not indifferent. “I wanted to tell you how I felt and many other things about me for days, but you didn’t seem interested.”

Sitting on the floor, Credence’s eyes reddened. “I know I haven’t been available. I just don’t have the capacity anymore. There’s too much going on.”

“Aren’t you interested in knowing me after all this time apart?”

“I am … to a certain extent.” Credence looked at me earnestly. “I’ve changed. I’ve learned to draw boundaries with people around me. If I don’t do that, I’ll just get overwhelmed by everyone’s problems. I’ve got enough problems of my own. I need to keep my world simple. I don’t want to be deep or serious about life anymore.”

But we always had clear boundaries, I was confused. Then I realized what Credence wanted was expand those boundaries with me.

In a way, I was proud that, after several toxic relationships, Credence had learned how to protect themself emotionally by drawing boundaries. I understood how important that was because it took me nearly a lifetime to learn how to keep abusive people out of my life.

But, why me? Why does Credence want to keep me out? I’ve been nothing but supportive and loving. Why am I the one who is told to stay in the outer circles of Credence’s life? I felt hurt, but it didn’t seem right to feel that way. Then I realized perhaps I had unintentionally overshared my “stuff” with Credence over the years, even with my effort to be circumspect. I felt guilty.

Leaning forward to give Credence a warm embrace, I said remorsefully, “I understand. I’m sorry if I had burdened you with my problems in the past. It was unintentional. You should draw boundaries. It’s a healthy thing to do.”

“Thank you, Mom. Look, I’ve changed, and you’ve changed. I don’t get the spiritual things that you do. Apart from that, we’re still close. Don’t you think?”

I nodded, knowing that our paths had diverged. What Credence didn’t get was far more than my spiritual practices. It was me as a whole—the discovery of my past, what brought me to the present and where I’m going next.

I agreed to stay for another day. We ended up having a good time. But deep down, I knew I had lost my best friend and the implication was too frightening to even ponder for a second.  

The aftermath

A few days after I had returned home, I was able to process what had happened between Credence and me.

What would my life be if Credence is no longer my best friend? I was saddened by the implication. I needed to accept the new reality. It’d be unfair if I tried to impose my will on Credence.

“So, we’re just mother and child. We’re no longer best friends,” I told myself. “I have to be available to them, but they can’t to be available to me. I’d better get used to it.”

Before my trip to visit Credence, I had hoped that with Credence turning 24, we could finally have a more balanced adult relationship going forward, where I could tell Credence more about my world and wouldn’t have to be too circumspect about what I shared. I was looking forward to having that reciprocal friendship, but Credence shut that door on my face before I even had a chance to tell them where I’ve been in the last two years, let alone my ambition and dreams.

What bothered me even more was that, after I’d returned home, I continued to shoulder Credence’s problems. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be there for Credence. Their happiness remains my priority. But, at the same time, I wished our relationship was more balanced and that Credence would be interested in at least finding out how I became who I am today.

As the imbalance in our relationship continued, the resentment was nibbling away my willingness to be available to Credence, to the point I’d ignore their calls and texts. The coldness in my heart frightened me.

My father’s advice

One night, as I was dozing off to sleep, I heard my father said to me, “I regret not loving Ah-dee as much as I should’ve.” Ah-dee is one of my younger brothers. My father brought to my attention the fact that he and Ah-dee never got along.

Memories of my father’s pain over my brother’s insolence flooded my sleepy head.

There was always a polite distance between my father and Ah-dee since Ah-dee was a teen. The distance between them became an unbridgeable rift after Ah-dee returned home from Australia with an engineering degree from the Royal Melbourne Institute.

My father had hoped that he could take Ah-dee under his wings to help him expand his engineering business to China and Korea.

But Ah-dee had an attitude. He thought my father’s ways were too old-fashioned and he wanted to revamp the whole company. He didn’t hold back his criticisms in front of my father, which deeply hurt him and made their relationship irreparable.

My father had confided in me and told me he was hurt by Ah-dee. I understood how he felt. Despite my fondness for my brother, I disliked his sharp tongue. But, it was easier for me to overlook his faults because I didn’t raise him and toiled day and night to give him an education and career.

The recollection of the history between my father and Ah-dee strangely sent me into my dream world.

In my dream, I saw my father hugging (adult) Ah-dee and kissing him on the forehead.

I was very surprised. I asked him, “Dad, why are you so affectionate with Ah-dee all of the sudden?”

My father said, “I regret not loving him the way I should’ve. It was hard because we were so different.” He clung onto Ah-dee tightly as if he was afraid that he would lose him. “Don’t make the same mistake as I did,” he said to me. “You don’t want to have regrets like this when you pass over.”

Watching my father loving Ah-dee the way he never did, I burst into tears. The wet patches on my pillow woke me up.

My heart ached with my father’s pain. I couldn’t stop sobbing. His pain felt just like the hurt inflicted on me by Credence’s decision to distance themself from me.

At that very moment, I realized it was not Credence I was trying to withdraw from. It was the pain.

I’m sensitive like my father. When I get hurt, my autopilot keeps me away from the source of the hurt to protect me. That was exactly what my father had done with Ah-dee. It wasn’t that he didn’t love him. He was simply trying to keep himself away from the source of his pain—his son.

And I was doing exactly the same thing with Credence.

With that realization, I returned Credence’s texts and calls next morning. The love I had for Credence since they were born rushed back to me. The heartache and the rift I had felt since I got home began to mend.  

Thank you, Baba, for looking out for me and guiding me at every juncture of my life.  

Since that dream, I’ve been learning to adjust to a new relationship with Credence every day and allow myself to grieve the loss of my old relationship with Credence.

It’s been a year since then, and our relationship has grown so much stronger. There is more appreciation and understanding coming from Credence every time we communicate. They’ve asked questions about my childhood, my father (whom Credence didn’t have the chance to know) and my Hakka heritage.

The most precious part of my heritage was my father’s love, and I’ve finally had the chance to help Credence understand the love that courses through our veins.

After passing from this physical realm for 22 years, my father is still the pillar I lean on for comfort and enlightenment. That’s what I want to be for Credence, and I hope that’s what Credence will be for their children.

Roulan