Do adults underestimate the complexity of children’s emotions?
Many of us think children are open books. They cry when they’re in pain. They laugh when they’re excited. Because they reveal their emotions so freely, we assume they’re simple and transparent beings. This assumption could put us in a situation where we ignore or underestimate the complexity of our children’s emotions.
This boy seems to be burdened by something, but with his limited vocabulary and underdeveloped cerebral capacity, he’s at a loss. If you paid close attention, you’d sense that this child has a lot of things he wishes he could tell but he doesn’t know how. He carries those secrets into adulthood and gradually, he forgets why he’s sad. Sadness just follows him like a dark cloud. Nothing seems to be able to cheer him up.
That’s depression.
Childhood depression
Depression often begins in childhood and can be diagnosed in early childhood, as early as the age of three, according to Brain and Behaviour Research Foundation.
The earliest signs of my depression appeared at about the age of three. These signs were obvious in the photos taken of me as a child.
Up until five years ago, I’d always avoided looking at my childhood photos. They just brought up so much fear and despair within me.
The photo I hated the most was a “family” photo taken when I was about three. My father wasn’t in it. He was drafted into the army for three years at that time.
In that photo, I stood next to my mother with a noticeable gap between us. I looked sad, confused and terrified. Normally, a child in an unfamiliar environment would cling on their mother for comfort. But I stood as far as I could from her.
I hated that photo all my life and never knew why. But I know now. The terrifying feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I saw that photo was a physiological response of the implicit memories held in my body. The mind can forget, but the body keeps the scores (Dr. Van Der Kolk.)
How can we help our children?
Adults naturally gravitate towards happy, bubbly and well-behaved children because they think that’s how good kids should be.
I was shunned by my peers and the adults around me as a kid because I was a withdrawn and unhappy kid. No one ever asked why I was unhappy. They just labelled me as a bad kid.
To be labelled a bad kid had an adverse effect on me way into my adulthood. I learned at a very young age to be useful to others, so they’d tolerate me. I was still an unhappy, miserable kid to them, but at least I was useful. This belief about myself determined the relationships I chose in my life and all of them were abusive.
Let’s examine our prejudices towards unhappy or moody children. Why is it so important that our children behave in a way that pleases us? Why do we so quick to scold or punish them when they get moody, play up or throw tantrums? You wouldn’t punish your child if they were physically unwell. Why would you punish them if they are emotional imbalance?
Instead of labelling children as bad or unruly, let’s help them find the right words to name their emotions so they can start to enquire about their inner feelings with you. Trust me, you’ll be enriched by the shared experiences with your child like I have. I’m a better person because of my child. Please read my post A Memoir about Love: From My Father to My Child.
Childhood depression is real and should not be ignored or shunned. Let’s discuss, research and discuss more about this topic.
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